A Seattle IANDS Near-Death Experience Story

Into the Universe, by JoDee Chenaur

My near-death experience happened on June 4th of 1993. I was thirty years old. In this narration you'll find quote marks around quite a few words. Those words are a best attempt, but fall way short of the actual experience. We are all shaped by our experience of what we understand "sight" and "distance" to be in this world. Out there it's completely different, so different that there are parts of this story I really can't express.

For years I had been sick with endometriosis. It had taken doctors years to diagnosis. I had been bedridden for months and had lost almost thirty pounds. This played a part in my increasing loss of faith in God. I had been raised Catholic, but hadn't attended church for over ten years. As my thinking became more scientific, I found myself withdrawing from the world of spirit even more. During those months in bed I had been convulsed with painful contractions, and I would scream my hate at God as well as my doubt that He was there. On the phone my friends and I would talk about our atheism. "There's no life after life. We just go into nothingness," we would say. "And what's our purpose here anyway?" We would talk like this for hours. I was terrified of death. I was so afraid to die. I would have nightmares about it.

I had to have a hysterectomy, and a year later I went to the hospital to have scar tissue removed. After the surgery I was wheeled to my room and fell asleep about five o'clock in the afternoon. At nine PM or so that night I awoke in excruciating pain and rang for the nurse. When she arrived I could tell she was upset about my calling her, and I felt really bad about ringing her because she was so ticked off. After I told her that I was in extreme pain, and nauseous, she left my room and returned with the drug Dilaudid (similar to morphine) and walked over to the PCA machine and started punching it. This is a computerized IV device that releases programmed amounts of drugs, such as morphine, into your blood stream. I remember thinking, "God, she's a rag!" She kept aggressively banging on the keys, the machine was beeping, and the nurse got irritated. I began to feel the shot she was giving me through the PCA and something was very wrong. I'd never felt like this before, and I'd had several of these shots. Then she said she had to go to another floor and wing to get the anti nausea shot. She opened the door and walked out. Before the door closed I looked at the clock to time how long she would be gone, it was 9:22 PM. Before I could say "Wait", I was going, then gone into a deeper sleep. It just took an instant. Then there was stillness for I don't know how long and I felt myself separate from my body.

This wasn't a physical sensation, but more like a movement of energy. I found myself in pitch blackness, but I knew logistically where everything was in my room. I still had my personality. I still had my whole mind, and if I had to describe myself it would be as a thinking being. In the darkness, to my left was my body, which I hovered next to. I instantly knew that I was dead. I was shocked! But I was even more shocked to realize that I was still alive, existing as an entity, or whatever you want to call it. That's when I said, "That bitch killed me!", because I knew she had done it. I knew she had given me a drug overdose.

I was astonished at how much at peace with myself I felt. It's as though all the earthly outer tension and stress that we bring into our lives throughout bodies was gone. Everything coming out of my thought was calm, was really coherent, far more up there than I am down here, unfortunately. Experiencing this nurse's horror and panic, and feeling as wonderful as I did, I really wanted to ease her concern. I tried telling her, "No. It's okay! I forgive you! I know it was an accident!" But she didn't understand me and I became upset. That's when I discovered that I had no arms or legs, that I was just a ball of energy, because the harder I tried to communicate with her, the more frustrated I became, and the more my energy would spin, sort of horizontally. "I like being dead!" I tried telling her. I couldn't believe how great I felt!I stayed next to my body in darkness thinking, "Well, okay. I'm dead. So now what do I do?" Then the nurse returned to the room. I couldn't see her, but I could feel all of her emotions and was aware of everything she was thinking. She came over to my body and I knew she was standing next to me. I could feel her panic and many other emotions. Of course, she discovered that I wasn't breathing and had no heart beat. Then she started to really freak out, and I could feel her horror as she thought. "What am I going to do? What am I going to do?" Because I could sense everything she felt I knew that it had been an accident, and that she had just been careless being in too much of a hurry. She tried to resuscitate me. I just kind of floated there.

It became apparent that she wouldn't understand me, so I started to calm down. Everything was so clear. I was analyzing everything and my exact words were, "She's a human. She can't comprehend anything I'm saying to her because I'm a spirit." With no other alternatives in this situation I decided, "Well, I'm just going to leave." Family members and friends came to mind, and I knew and could even feel into the future that they would miss me, but what could I do? I started moving towards my right in the black void, and I was going pretty slowly. Moving to my right wasn't something I purposely chose. It just seemed like the natural way to go. In fact, the way I was moving, in "spirit", also seemed extremely natural. Over and over I kept observing to myself how peaceful I felt.

I was also exclaiming to myself, "There is life after death! I can't believe this! What an idiot I was to think there wasn't life after death!" As I was moving, I started evaluating my life, what kind of a person I had been, and my family. The next thing I knew, I came into the Universe.

To grasp what this, and the rest of my near death experience was like, you'd first have to understand that because I didn't have a body or face as such, I wasn't really "facing" any direction. I could "see" stars and nebula and all these different colors all around me, 360 degrees, simultaneously. This happened with 100% clarity. It was more real than any experience I have had on this planet. I had a total awareness of everything, everywhere, as though I was an eyeball in space. What I mean by "total awareness" is that I not only "saw" the planets and galaxies in all directions, I "knew" them with other senses we don't have. And while this was going on, there was what I have called a Universal Knowledge that answered all the questions I had ever had before I died. Questions like "how big is the Universe." It's so Huge. I knew then that it's beginningless and endless. I remember that I was shocked. My reaction was," Wow! This is amazing! The universe is really endless!" Because I used to hear that in Bible study, and in my mind I would always go, "Yeah, right. There's got to be a beginning and ending to everything." But there really isn't a beginning and ending to the universe. I sensed there is no space and time.

I had always wondered if there was life on other planets. What I was given as a knowing was that there's life not only on other planets. I sensed that there was life everywhere. Then I asked, "But is there a Heaven. Is there a Hell?" That's when I entered into a realm of spirits. I had the sense that we were in the beginnings, the outskirts of the universe. I could still see the universe past them. There were thousands of them, as far as I could see. They were blob shaped, like amoebas, just kind of floating, but not going anywhere. I was unable to communicate with them. There was a stagnant feeling there and I remember that I didn't like being in that place. At first I was just scared. Then I started becoming afraid because I thought that that's what life after death was. You would just float around the universe doing nothing, forever. I can't say why I thought of Ted Bundy in the midst of these spirits, because I cannot say that I specifically saw him but it's as though I associated these corralled off spirits with others like him. I was terrified. Then, all of a sudden, I thought, "If I am dead, then where is Jesus? Isn't Jesus supposed to be here? Why isn't He coming to get me? Am I going to go to Hell?" And then I called out, "God, where are you? God, where are you?" I can only describe it as being like the movie the "Wizard of Oz" when Dorothy was filmed in black and white before and during the tornado. After her house crash lands and Dorothy opened the door her experience became vivid and colorful and it all made sense to her….well sort of---similar to an NDE making sense. The first thing God said to me through a sort of telepathic emotion is, "Religion is primitive, but is a good avenue to follow."

God wasn't a light or a person, and He wasn't really a "He". That word is a convention I use because of how I was raised, just as those three letters in the word, "God", are. God was neither male nor female, yet this energy was both. This may seem hard to believe, but I had always thought that God was actually like a burning bush, as I'd seen it in the movie the Ten Commandments. Until my belief in God waned, I had always fearfully imagined that God would state, "You have done this, and this…" in a harsh condemning way. But now, where I was in the universe, I couldn't visually see Him, except for a slight shimmering quality that suddenly filled the universe as far as I could see, sort of like heat waves and it encompassed the entire Universe. This energy IS the Universe. I felt the presence of that energy to me was every bit as concrete as you might find looking at another person, only more so. It wasn't a visual sensation. It was an energy sensation. What I suddenly knew from the Universal Knowledge was that God is the Universe, is Intelligence, is Energy, is Love, and it's as though we live inside of Him and he knows everything we think and feel, our motives and dreams. I knew that He controlled everything yet there is some balance of free will vs. determinism. I felt His presence and I felt infinitely tiny and not good enough to be in this energy's presence. If He (God) was an Infinite Vastness, then I was a small "it". If He was vast Energy, then I was a little body of energy. I and all the spirits I encountered were "its" also. Everything seemed genderless.

When He made Himself known, in response to my plea, He spoke. Every time He spoke to me He radiated a Total Love, an Unconditional Love that filled my own energy, which is the most intense thing I have ever experienced. Sometimes I can still feel it at times. I know that it filled me with Love, Forgiveness and Understanding, but I really can't explain that. There's nothing down here like that at all. When I responded back to God, my energy would go out to Him, and there was a merging of energies. It was awesome.

When we were what I call "talking", it was as though before I could think a question He would answer me. The Universal Knowledge was more of a continuous thing that I never stopped getting. With that, as well, whenever I thought something, the answer would come immediately. But after I actually talked to God, that's when everything felt more complete, more whole, and really made sense, because I could feel a total energy and love that had been missing.

Then He started showing me my life. He didn't announce it in any way. It just kind of appeared. I experienced the feelings of everybody that I'd come in contact with, all the way back from when I was a very small child. I remembered every little thing I had every done, most of which I had long forgotten. Unfortunately, I mostly focused on the bad things.

I remembered when I was three years old throwing rocks at a child on a swing set. Or when I was an older child, having friends over to my house and playing not so fairly…there is more that I don't like to recall, as with most people. I experienced my life and I felt absolutely terrible. I couldn't cry, but I had the sick feeling that goes with that. I thought, "I'm going to go to Hell! I'm just a terrible person!" And God said, "No. You're not going to go to Hell. You haven't been a terrible a person." He didn't say this with words but with feelings that were telepathic. He communicated, "Life is more like a learning experience." He told me though that I could work on learning to love, and that I needed to have a loving relationship with someone of the opposite sex because I hadn't done that properly. He also told me that I should work on forgiving, because basically I never forgave anybody. An example was a fight I'd had in sixth grade with a friend whom I'd harbored ill feelings about until my near-death experience at age thirty. I was shown three people in my life as examples where I could have handled relationships in a different way: My father, a former roommate and a former colleague. I came away feeling that these people brought challenges to me which I should have handled with patience and forgiveness. (After my NDE, I made it a point to contact those three people to let them know what I had learned and ask for forgiveness).

Then I totally forgave everybody of everything I'd experienced in my life. I think I did this because I was experiencing so much love and forgiveness from God, but also because I was so much at peace, as well as feeling so ashamed. I could see that God wasn't judging me at all. Then He said, again not with a voice but with telepathic type feelings, "You're going to go to Heaven." He didn't use the word "Heaven", but I knew it was Heaven. I was ecstatic and shocked. I "knew" then that everyone has an opportunity to go to Heaven, whether you believe in Jesus or not. This really surprised me.

Out of nowhere, three spirits appeared. They were illuminated beings who didn't have faces, and whose shape resembled the blobbish spirits I'd seen in the earlier realm. One difference was that I was able to communicate with these beings. These spirits had inside of them little different colored lights, sort of like miniature lit star constellations, most of which were white. They also seemed filled with what I would call a foggy sheen or brightness. This was a vaporous white that contained some pearlescent rainbow-like radiance. Each spirit had its own unique personality and was a separate entity as I was, and we all lived or existed inside of God/Universe. They were so "alive" and playful. As soon as we saw each other we felt that we knew each other without knowing names. It would be similar to running into someone at the mall that you hadn't seen since high school, after ten years.

We started flying really fast through the Universe. The spirit in front was the leader and the other two were kind of on the sides and a step behind. As we whizzed along I noticed I felt mentally and emotionally connected with all of them. I was so excited, and was thinking, "Oh, I get to go to Heaven! I get to go to Heaven!" I couldn't wait to get there. I was saying "Hurry! Let's go faster!" You could feel their exuberance. They were so happy because you were so happy, and we went faster and faster! I was shocked. We were going so super-fast that I can't explain how fast that was. As we moved, their blob shapes were shifting around and I could see their energy crackling, somewhat like the way flames on a log will ripple back and forth. I was so excited that my own energy jerked erratically the way a car does when you first start it in the morning. "Oh, my gosh!" I thought and laughed. "I'm kind of new at this! Guess I'm not doing it right!" And the spirit in front said to me "You're really funny. It's good to have a sense of humor"

It was then that I was on the verge of wondering who these spirits were, whether they were guardian angels, or people who had died, or if I really did know them. The question was never formulated enough in my mind so that I could get an answer, because I suddenly stopped. There was the immensity of God communicating to me, "You have to return to your body." He did this so lovingly. Because of later events I know followed, I believe this was when doctors were resuscitating me.

I was really upset, and answered, "No, I'm not going back." He responded, "But you have an opportunity to go back." Again, all of this was without words. I answered, "No." This was like an argument, a loving one, but an agonizing one. My feeling was that God would make me go back any way, but wanted me to say, "Okay, I'll go." I was torn. I didn't know what to do. It was like being lost. Then He showed me an aerial shot of my brother Sam and cousin Randy in the bar of Cucina Cucina in Seattle. They were picking up on two chicks, and I thought, "This is what Sam and Randy would be doing." God communicated back to me matter of factly, "Yes, that is exactly what they are doing" in a very loving and non-judgmental way. Even though I was out in the Universe, I was also at about ceiling level of Cucina Cucina. It was literally like being in two places at the same time.

My brother is my best friend. He's the one person I've always been able to tell anything to, and I love him so much. There was nothing specifically about the bar situation that was meant to draw me back, but he was the only reason I would return. It was an enticement. "Okay," I said after begging and refusing to return to my body. "You're right. I'll go back to my body." I was still reluctant to go. I remember being told to help people and during the NDE I knew what that meant. Upon returning to my body, the details were erased from my mind. It's like a chunk of "time" or conversation was removed from my mind. I only returned knowing I had unfinished business and would help people.

I was turning left. Then I returned through the same realms I had already traveled through, only I was being sucked back a lot faster than when I had gone out, and I had no control over this and it sort of felt like I was flailing about as I was being drawn back to my body so quickly. I could faintly hear the doctors and nurses screaming at me, "Come on JoDee! Come on!" Then I saw the thousands of spirits I had passed through previously (which I was unable to communicate with) and became frightened that I'd end up with them. I was terrified the doctors would give up on resuscitating me and leave me stuck out there, not knowing where to go. I started to freak out and my energy was spinning fast because I was panicking. "Wait for me!" I screamed in thought. "Wait for me! I'm coming as fast as I can!" The closer I got to my body the louder the doctors and nurses became. Then I landed in my body and opened my eyes. The first thing I noticed was the clock; it was 9:52 PM.

Doctors were hovering all around me doing CPR. They had paddles and I was hooked up to other machinery. Someone yelled, "She's back!" and they almost looked horrified. Then I felt incredible pain, and wanted to throw up because I never got that anti-nausea shot. "Great!" I thought. "I've come back to this?" The next 24 hrs were rough in ICU, but I kept thinking about God and travelling with the three spirits and was really happy, despite the discomfort. Later I learned that my heart and breathing had stopped, and that I had been dead for a short period of time. The doctors thought I had a heart attack but I let them know the nurse made an error. (I had heard the nurse was placed on leave for two years and an investigation proved it was the PCA machine and her negligence of placing the Dilaudid into my veins at one time that led to my temporary death.)

My brother came in the next day and confirmed that he had been in Cucina Cucina on the previous evening. I asked him exactly where he had been standing at 10 o'clock that night and the location he described was exactly where I had seen him. He also verified my description of the two brunettes I saw him trying to pick up.

Before my near-death experience I was more on the unforgiving side. But being loved and forgiven by God has helped me to love and forgive myself. I realize that my mistakes, or others mistakes, are an inevitable part of this human experience. We all genuinely believe we're trying to do the best we can, within our individual frame of reference. Even with the people we don't resonate with. And if I struggle with a relationship now, that struggle says to me that I have growing to do.

Before my near-death experience I wasn't sure there was a God. Now I share with Him all the time because I know He knows every single thing I think and feel. And I try to make it a point to say thanks for the little and big miracles that are right there if I just make the time to see them. They're all around but sometimes we blind ourselves.

Before my near-death experience I rarely prayed. I pray a lot now. It's just a different form of talk. While this sounds like my relationship with God has deepened, how I experience that relationship has changed. Now I would call that relationship spiritual rather than religious. I can no longer believe that there is just one religious path to God.

When I was out in the Universe, one thing I truly learned is that God wants us to take control of our lives. I've heard people say when difficulties seem insurmountable, that "It's God's will," and they give up. But we are His children, and He wants us to succeed in our growth and in our becoming. You are the person in control of yourself including "free will". What does it mean for us all to use that control to fully love ourselves and others? I think that means more than we realize.

Out in the Universe I felt that I was a part of it, and it was me. I think that Universe is in all of us, whether we have foliage or feathers or skin. Now when I look at plants and animals I know that their life and mine are connected with the same source, God's Energy and Love. Perhaps that's why when I look at a water lily, or a maple tree, or an eagle, I feel strong connections with them, and I talk to them with my feelings. I know that when that plant, or that bug, or that cat dies, that their energies and beings are not lost, but go back into the Universe. We are all part of a larger One.

2011

Looking back almost 18 years later, integrating back into Earthly life has not been easy. I cried for weeks upon returning to my body because I wanted to be back with the Universe, my creator. I believe all life is interconnected, and that there is a cause and effect resulting from our actions and even thoughts. I see other people as soul mates in a soul group, and we're all down here on Earth giving one another experiences that will evolve our souls in some unexplainable way. This includes relationships with colorful personalities who we may not resonate with.

Luckily, I found the Seattle International Association for Near Death Studies (IANDS) group a few months after my NDE where there was support and acceptance. This group helped me to remain grounded, yet keep my NDE spiritual event valid and alive within me. Through this group I found there are people who embrace hearing about and learning from this experience. I have also seen how speaking out about my NDE may open up doors of emotional judgment from others. But there is a deep spiritual knowing within me that it doesn't matter whether anyone believes in my NDE, because I know this near-death experience has been an important part of my own personal journey. And I am willing to share it with those who might find comfort as they look at their own mortal existence, or to help anyone processing the death and dying of a loved one or a pet.

Having this experience is cool in some ways because I got a sneak peek into where I will be going in the next life, and I no longer fear death. On the other hand, it's been challenging participating in this world because of my knowing of how blissful our existence in spiritual worlds can be.

I continue striving to find ways to help others. Since my NDE, I have given many years to hospice volunteering, been a board member for Seattle IANDS, worked with inmates to help them move their lives forward, and helped homeless people and animals. Currently I am pursuing a Masters Degree in Traditional Oriental Medicine (Acupuncture and Herbs) to help balance the universal energy of our bodies. My continuing goal is to live this life so that it makes a positive difference, even on a small scale.